Yesterday was a great day.

I finally got to meet Alexis in person (after partnering on a business together, haha!), see Craig again (who is so nourishing to my soul), and see Steve Pavlina again (who rocks).

I also got to meet Alexis’ two kids, Kaia and Noah, who are great.

Steve was talking about his blog, and I just got such an overwhelming urge to start blogging again.

So here I am.

A really fascinating concept Steve mentioned yesterday is “social currency”… and how people with social networks online are canceling out the need for money in a lot of cases.

For example, with Steve… he just did a 30 day music trial. And when he talked about it at his workshop, he got tons of help from people who read his blog. He got free Skype sessions, one-on-one help, and lots of feedback on the music he was producing.

When he went on a road trip, people who read his blog offered him places to stay as he drove along. (I was one of them – he stayed with Otto and I in Ashland.)

It’s truly a very fascinating way to look at things.

I’ve been noticing it too. The other day I had a wonderful woman contact me and offer to talk with me on the phone. She said she’d been noticing I was going through some tough times lately and wanted to offer some ways to make me feel better.

(Turns out she is a very well-read therapist, knows a lot about Myers Briggs and was using my temperament to teach me some interesting things, and has family connections that give her very “cutting edge” health information that’s about 2 years ahead of the media.)

I would have paid to connect with her if I knew all of that beforehand.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize I’ve been offered a lot of great things actually, just from people who knew me online.

It’s kind of a very empowering way to look at things.

There are many people (understandably) worried about the state of the economy. But I think a lot of people are forgetting that even if the money system goes completely kaput… we’re still all human. And social connections will save us.

Granted, I’ve always been an idealist.

But that being said – sure, we may lose material things… even maybe homes… but our basical survival needs can always be met, without having to rely on any bigger “outside force” like the government. We have our neighbors.

I remember once reading a story about Mother Teresa (she’s one of the top 3 people I admire most). She talked about when she came across a family who hadn’t eaten in days. They were STARVING. And when she gave them a (tiny) portion of rice, the first thing they did was split it in half to give their neighbors, who also hadn’t eaten in a while.

And then I remember this email from an American living in Japan, after they had that huge earthquake.

Wth all this fear-based talk, I think remembering things like this are very empowering.

The other day Otto told me that when we first got together, one of his friends told him he shouldn’t date me. He said I wasn’t beautiful enough.

Why did Otto tell me this? I don’t know. Probably because I push too much.

When he told me, I had several thoughts at once:

The one I verbalized: “I never liked that guy… I told you the minute I met him that I didn’t like him.”

“This is why I hate southern California! It’s so f*cking superficial!”

“I wonder who else feels the same way?”

“Let him come to me and try to get me to promote something of his. Just let him try!”

“What has he done with HIS life? I just launched 2 #1 best-selling books, am co-running a million dollar business, and raised $50k for charity last August. He’s still an unevolved asshole!”

…but mostly, I felt hurt.

If this was 6 months ago, I probably would have forgotten it by now.

But because I’ve gained so much weight since eating meat (like 10-20 pounds… I don’t know exactly how much because I’ve been too afraid to step on the scale), I’ve been incredibly sensitive about anything looks-related.

My mind has been going to how I’m probably the same weight now as I was when I first met Otto.

How the world probably sees me the way his “friend” does/did.

I told Otto about a guy I met the other day who invited me to be on his radio show within a few minutes of meeting me, but weirdly seemed to lose interest once I told him how I traveled so much. Otto told me the guy was probably hitting on me and it completely threw me for a loop.

The idea of my being hit on hasn’t even entered my realm of possibility lately.

I forgot that could actually even happen.

For a while it was my every day reality. But every time I go into coffee shops NOW, I find myself silently willing people to not look at me.

I know I “shouldn’t‘” feel this way.

And I know that looks “shouldn’t” matter so much.

But the fact of the matter is, we’re 99% chimp. And female chimps need to know that they are desirable. It’s a mating thing. If they can’t mate, they’re totally screwed.

So even if “intellect” tells me not to care… I don’t know how I can help it.

Yes… I’ve been exercising. And I’m signing up with a personal trainer this week.

The old me would just go on a juice fast and be done with this. But I’ve committed to eating the way my body wants.

See… the crappy part of all this is I’ve FELT so much better since I started eating meat.

My mind is much more alert, on focus, and I’ve been really productive.

My moods have been much more consistent.

But this f*cking weight has been the bane of my existence.

I’m going to stay with this meat-eating plan, because I FEEL (mostly) better and I’m holding on to hope that the weight will eventually come off.

The nutritionist said she gained weight initially too, and so did some of her clients, but it came off eventually.

She also told me to “love” the extra weight.

I am trying as hard as I can, but it’s not easy.

Otto gave me his sweatpants to wear the other day.

When I put them on, they felt “off”.

Tighter.

Normally I love wearing his sweatpants.

But this time I got so upset that I just lay in a ball, bawling, for a good 20 minutes.

I can’t wait for this phase of my life to end.