Yep – what the title says.

This experience has been crazy.

Not fun.

Emotional.

Embarrassing as all get-out.

I’ve hyperventilated a few times. One time for over an hour.

But… I know it needs to happen.

Otto and I were flawed from the beginning.

Neither of us ever got the feeling the other was “The One”.

We had so much love for each other though… so much respect, such a deep soul to soul connection… that we tried to override the fact that we never had the passion, the romance, the stuff that separates lovers from best friends.

It’s been 3 years and 3 days since we first got together.

And even on January 11, 2009, I remember sitting in a car with Otto, talking about if we should get together.

He was torn. He said he really liked me, we had so much in common, etc… but I just wasn’t his “type” and it was really messing up his mind.

Now before you judge that… please realize that most men have a “type”. It might not be a specific body type, or hair color, or whatever… but most men are hard-wired to be drawn to a particular type of woman.

And since men are visual creatures… this is important.

I don’t know why we got together even then. I think it’s because we both knew we had things to learn from each other.

Since we got together we’ve had 4 or 5 conversations about us breaking up. We even did break up for a few months.

But we ultimately kept getting back together.

I guess we had more to learn.

Through our relationship we’ve always had impeccable communication. We’re both always incredibly honest with each other and I know we’ll still be there for each other no matter what.

My family loves Otto and he loves them.

Otto and I will still do a few biz things together (which was another flaw I think… I don’t want to do business with a romantic partner again in the future. It can be a real passion-slasher.)

I just know we need to not be together in a marriage capacity. That it’s time to transition our relationship.

I have zero desire to settle.

And both of us would be settling.

Bigtime.

I know I have a lot to do while I’m here on earth.

A LOT.

And while I don’t know what all of that is yet… I do know that having a relationship that I don’t feel completely congruent with isn’t helping me find out my purpose any time sooner.

And having a husband who has never really been that attracted to me is terrible for my sense of self-confidence and esteem.

We both deserve better than that. We deserve passion. We deserve total head-over-heels in love.

I’m not crazy. I know that things aren’t always going to be rosy. I know that marriages need to be worked on. I get all that.

But this isn’t about a rough patch.

Our relationship has always had this undertone.

I think the universe agrees with us. The day after we decided to divorce, after Otto had been having a string of bad luck business-wise, he closed $10k worth of business and acquired a big piece of a company.

I might be coming off as nonchalant about all of this, but trust me, I’m not. I’ve been extremely eaten up about it. Like I said, I had my hyperventilation sessions. I cried in the middle of Starbucks (more than once). I had my screaming sessions. I cursed the universe (with real “OOMPH” on the f-word.)

I felt like a FOOL. We’ve only been married 7 months. And I know people have such judgment about divorce, how people don’t give it enough effort, etc etc…

But we really have tried. We’ve been together for 3 years.

Both of us had huge freak-out sessions the day before the wedding. I think we both knew it wasn’t right… but our love for each other on a best friend level made us do it anyway, because we didn’t want to hurt the other person.

At the end of the day though… my heart knew it was coming. Otto and I made 2012 goals on December 31st. Last night we were talking about how Otto never included me in his. And mine said, “I am in the relationship of my dreams” and “My man worships me and I worship him”.

I never specifically said Otto’s name.

When I mentioned this to Otto yesterday, he said “I do worship you, but not in the way you want.”

Case closed I guess.

Edit: We’re getting annulled. We just learned that since Otto doesn’t know if he’ll be ready to have kids in the 3 years he initially promised, we legally fall into an annulment. That was another huge reason for us to lean this way.

I was invited to go for a hike and then to the hot springs last Sunday.

I was very excited about the hike part, but not about the hot springs. I didn’t want to wear a bathing suit.

(If you haven’t read, I’ve gained a lot of weight since eating meat. And I am FINALLY OK with it… so much so that I’m a little embarrassed to recount this story, but feel called to, so I am.)

Here’s what happened:

I am very aware that everything I say comes true. The power of our subconscious is HUGE.

When I was younger, if I ever tried to get out of going to school by saying I was sick, I’d get sick. Even if I was totally healthy before.

When I was working as a cashier in high school I wanted to call out of work. I knew that I’d get sick if I told them that, so I decided to go a different route. I had my stepfather name a random car part. He told me “catalytic converter”, so I called and said my catalytic converter broke.

The next week… boom,  my catalytic converter went out.

I’d never even heard of that before.

So while I know lying isn’t that great anyway, this fast manifestation stuff ensures I generally don’t do it.

But I was so worked up about the stupid bathing suit that Saturday night I told Otto I was sick. I figured I’d get myself sick real quick so I could avoid having to go on the hike the next day.

(I am not proud of this.)

I felt very bad for lying, and so in the morning, the first thing I did was wake Otto up and (tearfully) confess. I hate lying and feel bad that I did it. It’s amazing how much emotion and power I had been giving to this weight gain.

After I confessed I realized I was being ridiculous and I went on the hike. I had an AWESOME time. In fact, I think it “clicked” me back. I’d been having a not-stellar few months, and after the hike I feel like I got “me” back. No more cranky, miserable Rachel, thank you.

But I guess I’d already set the process in motion for getting sick, because on Monday, boom… runny nose, sore throat, laid around for 3 days because I couldn’t work up any motivation to get out and go to the cafe.

(As a side note, it was kind of nice to be lazy. I drew, journaled, and drank lots of tea.)

Last night I was sicker than any other day.

I was sick of feeling yucky, so I decided I was finished.

Before I went to bed, I told my mind that I wanted to wake up feeling good, with enough motivation to go to the cafe, no more runny nose and no more sore throat.

I still have a slight runny nose (much less than yesterday), woke up with no sore throat, and am at a cafe right now. Motivation is running through my veins.

It’s fascinating how much power we have over our minds.

And to make myself feel better about the fact that I’ve been so whiny about my weight… I’d like to mention I’ve made tremendous strides to stop being so upset.

I bought a pair of jeans yesterday in a new size. I was resisting buying new clothes because I didn’t want to admit defeat, that this size is the new size I’d be…

But I decided yesterday that I’d feel better if I wore something that fit well and made me feel good.

So I got a new pair of jeans in a size that would’ve been unthinkable for me in the past.

And I am OK with it.

So I am moving forward, and definitely using the “power of my mind” to make magic happen.

Next up… changing the world.

Yesterday was a great day.

I finally got to meet Alexis in person (after partnering on a business together, haha!), see Craig again (who is so nourishing to my soul), and see Steve Pavlina again (who rocks).

I also got to meet Alexis’ two kids, Kaia and Noah, who are great.

Steve was talking about his blog, and I just got such an overwhelming urge to start blogging again.

So here I am.

A really fascinating concept Steve mentioned yesterday is “social currency”… and how people with social networks online are canceling out the need for money in a lot of cases.

For example, with Steve… he just did a 30 day music trial. And when he talked about it at his workshop, he got tons of help from people who read his blog. He got free Skype sessions, one-on-one help, and lots of feedback on the music he was producing.

When he went on a road trip, people who read his blog offered him places to stay as he drove along. (I was one of them – he stayed with Otto and I in Ashland.)

It’s truly a very fascinating way to look at things.

I’ve been noticing it too. The other day I had a wonderful woman contact me and offer to talk with me on the phone. She said she’d been noticing I was going through some tough times lately and wanted to offer some ways to make me feel better.

(Turns out she is a very well-read therapist, knows a lot about Myers Briggs and was using my temperament to teach me some interesting things, and has family connections that give her very “cutting edge” health information that’s about 2 years ahead of the media.)

I would have paid to connect with her if I knew all of that beforehand.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize I’ve been offered a lot of great things actually, just from people who knew me online.

It’s kind of a very empowering way to look at things.

There are many people (understandably) worried about the state of the economy. But I think a lot of people are forgetting that even if the money system goes completely kaput… we’re still all human. And social connections will save us.

Granted, I’ve always been an idealist.

But that being said – sure, we may lose material things… even maybe homes… but our basical survival needs can always be met, without having to rely on any bigger “outside force” like the government. We have our neighbors.

I remember once reading a story about Mother Teresa (she’s one of the top 3 people I admire most). She talked about when she came across a family who hadn’t eaten in days. They were STARVING. And when she gave them a (tiny) portion of rice, the first thing they did was split it in half to give their neighbors, who also hadn’t eaten in a while.

And then I remember this email from an American living in Japan, after they had that huge earthquake.

Wth all this fear-based talk, I think remembering things like this are very empowering.

I woke up this morning with energy running through my veins, still so excited about what we accomplished last night.

$50k. With less than 10 hours or so hours worth of work. 100% for charity.

Here’s the back story:

Back at the last Practical Profits event, another speaker, Wil Mattos, and I were sitting on a couch and talking about how much we like to do for charity. I was telling Wil of my dreams to build a school, then he mentioned how he wants to go help underprivileged children in Brazil (where he’s from).

We were feeding off each other more and more, getting more and more passionate about things that could be done to help the world. We decided we wanted to do something ASAP.

Our first idea was to get backpacks filled with school supplies to severely underprivileged children in Brazil. Wil sent me a video of the situation for some of those kids there and it was absolutely heart wrenching.

We asked the rest of the Practical Profits team if they would be interested in helping and they immediately said yes.

At first we were going to start a nonprofit. We did apply for it, but the paperwork takes a long time and we didn’t want to wait years to do something (though the paperwork is still in progress).

Wil mentioned that he knew of a charity, Spirit Of A Giving Heart, and that we could help them for our first project.

Spirit Of A Giving Heart helps children in an Indian reservation in Arizona. There are 618 kids in this school and they’re extremely poor.

• 90% of them don’t have electricity…
• They’re bussed up to 40 miles (one way) to get to school
• 90% of them are eligible for the free lunch program
• A substantial % of their families are below the poverty line
• Many children are so poor that they have to live at the school, going home only for weekends and holidays
• 50% of the children who start kindergarden are not ready for it
• The children get a package of “Tribal” clothes once a year. The packages are becoming smaller and smaller, and last year because of funding they didn’t get their coats until February – way after they needed it….
• Every year they’re allowed to ask for 2 or 3 things for their Christmas wishes. They ask for things most children take for granted – like pens, pencils, and notebooks.

Wil and I decided we would get backpacks for every single child in that school, filled with school supplies appropriate for their age level.

I had my assistant research some prices and we thought we’d have to pay $30k or so, shipped, for everything. We knew we could raise that and were happy with it. But one day Wil randomly mentioned to someone what we were doing and they mentioned told him of a nonprofit that specifically creates and fills backpacks for nonprofit charities. He followed up with that company, and they gave us a HUGE discount.

$14k for all 600+ backpacks, filled and shipped right to the school.

WOW.

Our plan to create the money was this:

1. Ask our marketing friends if they’d donate products at a discount
2. Create mini sales pages where each product would be displayed
3. Sell limited quantities of the products, discounted, on a live webinar (with the money going right to the charity’s PayPal)

It was absolutely beautiful how many people were open to donating.

Here’s everyone who ended up donating, in alphabetical order of first name:

• Brian Johnson
• Brian Koz
• Brittany Lynch
• Dan Hollings
• Dennis Becker
• Jaime Mintun
• James Jones
• Jason Fladlien
• John Rhodes
• Keith Dougherty
• Maria Gudelis
• Matt Rhodes
• Rachel Rofe
• Shane Melaugh
• Tim Castleman
• Wil Mattos

Everything came together so seamlessly and easily.

We kept getting pleasantly surprised. Marketers were donating products that were worth $1,000, $2,000… even $4,000.

I ended up creating mini descriptions of each product and then Wil plugged them into his shopping cart. He had it set up so that there was one main sales page, and people would just have to refresh it every time a product ran out to get to see the next product.

It was SO easy! He really did a knock-out job.

When we started the webinar, James Jones, Maria Gudelis, Keith Dougherty, and John Rhodes came on to support everything.

James immediately said he was going to eat all the PayPal fees for every single product bought so the charity would get 100% of the donations. (He is one of the most generous people I have ever met.)

We started selling products, and WOW. It was unbelievable. People were so excited to be there, to support the cause, and to get such great discounts.

Wil MC’ed everything (he was GREAT at it!!) while I announced the products.

At the end of the webinar sales were showing up slowly. There was so much activity on the PayPal account! The webinar ended up going 3.5 hours!

At the end of the webinar, Wil finally announced we were at $36k in sales.  Keith Dougherty spoke up and said, “I don’t like $36… I like $37. I’m going to donate another $1,000.”At that point I guess a few more sales came in, and we got to $38k. James said, “We should push for $40k!”

Wil said he would put in $1k, then James said he would match him. I said I’d put in another $1k, and then so did Maria and John, which got us $5k even more.

Then, with all the cash donations from other marketers we got even before the webinar… we were able to round up to $50k with donations.

It was UNBELIEVABLE.

So magical.

This whole experience has forever changed me. I told Wil and Otto… I’ve had a lot of achievements in life. I’ve been a cover story in a magazine, wrote a book, lost 100 lbs, and a slew of so many other things… but this is what I am the most proud of, by FAR.

It’s just amazing. I am so grateful for everyone who supported this.

It’s incredible. This went from Wil and I sitting on a couch to asking Practical Profits to help to a few hours worth of calling people, doing some tech stuff, writing a little copy, etc… to the webinar.

We worked a grand total (including the 3.5 hour webinar) of less than 10 hours.

And it didn’t feel like work.

Most people didn’t even get to mail their lists for us. At the peak of our call we had about 250 people. If we would have pushed more, who knows what would have happened?

All I know right now is that education is huge. Knowledge is power. And everyone who helped took part in possibly rewriting a child’s destiny.

Absolutely magical.

I feel so inspired and amazed at what humans are capable of. This has forever changed me.

I’ve been out of blog updating for a few days! I tell you, the more I treat myself like royalty, the less I’m finding I want to be on the computer.

Here are some things that have been happening:

The other night I made a vlog posting about how I was going to dinner with a friend, and that when I got back, I wouldn’t come on the computer. Truth be told I thought that’d be easy since I expected us hanging out for a few hours. However, she was tired… and I got home at a very early 6:30.

I knew I committed to not going on the computer. I knew it was my highest choice and what I REALLY wanted. But I had no idea what to do with myself! Normally I just robotically go online, so this was a major pattern interrupt.

But you know what?

I ended up having such a beautiful night by committing to myself. I took a calming bubble bath, wrote some ideas for a new project I’m working on (can’t wait to unveil it to you!!!!), finished up a book, started another one, and cleaned up our dining room table. I felt SO fantastic when I went to bed and woke up with such a clear, happy head.

Treating myself like royalty is SO much fun!

The next night I went out to dinner with another friend and wanted some wine. Old Rachel may have said “No, wine is bad for losing weight!”… but I only wanted a sip, and I sure didn’t want to tell myself I COULDN’T have something. So I paid for a full glass, only had a little bit of it, and felt great. I truly felt like royalty, getting what I want and not caring that I “wasted” money (when in actuality it was FAR from wasted).

Working out is going great too. I’ve worked out every day so far (except today, but it’s still morning) and I’m loving it. The exercise routine has been a lot of fun, I like being near people when I work out, and I love dancing on the treadmill as I run and listen to great songs .

This “royal” life is going amazingly. I feel more calm, relaxed, and blissful than ever before.

The other cool thing I haven’t expected is that while I expect to get to a size 6, it almost doesn’t matter. I’ve been so busy treating myself like royalty and telling myself what I love about my body that it can’t do anything wrong!

Hey guys,

Thank you SO MUCH for all your positive feedback on Facebook + on my blog.

I am going to respond to it all very soon… since I’m running out the door now to go meet a friend for dinner, I thought I’d make a quick video update first:

Thanks again, I am SO excited for this!!!

Even in making this video I learned a lesson. Last night I took a zillion takes of it, then just

forced

myself to put it out there. Today I realized that royalty wouldn’t do that , so I took one more video, feel a LOT better about it, and put it out there.

I’m obviously going to get a lot out of this exercise

And to clarify – the goal is to get from a size 8 to a size 6 by May 22. And if you guys could help hold me accountable, I would be ever appreciative!!!

So far I’ve learned a bit from the face reading workshop.

This is a 3,000-year old science that has been REALLY cool to learn.

And it’s amazing that even though it may seem “out there”, we subconsciously use this ALL THE TIME. For example:

• There have been studies where people were given 7 seconds to look at political candidates’ faces from po’dunk towns. They had to guess which person won the election, and they did it with 70% accuracy. That’s because we’re subconsciously looking for certain things (strong jaw = unwavering integrity, wider faces = more of them to look at so they come across as more “trustable”).
• Fuller lips signifiy fertility, and it’s one of the things men LOVE in women…
• Bigger eyes are also something that people gravitate to – and big eyes signify emotional availability…

This stuff is REALLY good to use in every day life too. You can use it to know which supermarket line to go down on, how to communicate with people, how to make a strong first impression, and so forth.

Someone asked me what my GOAL for this workshop is. I don’t really have one… I just like learning all the different psychological and communication meta systems I possibly can. And it’s fascinating how much this stuff works.

There’s a guy here who was the #1 financial banker in the world a few years ago, before he left banking. He’s only coming to ONE day of the workshop out of curiousity and never read Jean’s book before. But when we were talking about how each area of the face talks about a different age, he was surprised. He said when he was 3 years old he got a huge scar on the area of the face that signifies age 27. At age 27, he got in a near-death car accident.

Many people had interesting stories like that.

Of course, one disclaimer – each area of the face can mean 3 things – the time in one’s life (each area of the face signifies a different age), the personality features, and physical issues (that’s why acupuncturists who take this course get accreditation).

So – here’s just some of what I learned yesterday. I am LOVING this!!!

Just made a video to explain where I’m going this weekend and why I’m so excited!

And after you finish watching… I just want to be clear that there are MANY meta systems, and I don’t think any is “one size fits all”. The more meta systems you know, the more you can understand people, I think… so this is just another tool to add to my arsenal.

Today’s video goes over the 3 reasons why today is AWESOME!!!, including a $10,000 prize I just won…

…And then a question Emma sent in about how I stay positive.

I’m definitely not into the new-agey “must be positive 24/7″ any more, but I do have some tricks up my sleeve for when I need a little pick-me-up!

Video below!