“Rachel isn’t beautiful enough.”
The other day Otto told me that when we first got together, one of his friends told him he shouldn’t date me. He said I wasn’t beautiful enough.
Why did Otto tell me this? I don’t know. Probably because I push too much.
When he told me, I had several thoughts at once:
The one I verbalized: “I never liked that guy… I told you the minute I met him that I didn’t like him.”
“This is why I hate southern California! It’s so f*cking superficial!”
“I wonder who else feels the same way?”
“Let him come to me and try to get me to promote something of his. Just let him try!”
“What has he done with HIS life? I just launched 2 #1 best-selling books, am co-running a million dollar business, and raised $50k for charity last August. He’s still an unevolved asshole!”
…but mostly, I felt hurt.
If this was 6 months ago, I probably would have forgotten it by now.
But because I’ve gained so much weight since eating meat (like 10-20 pounds… I don’t know exactly how much because I’ve been too afraid to step on the scale), I’ve been incredibly sensitive about anything looks-related.
My mind has been going to how I’m probably the same weight now as I was when I first met Otto.
How the world probably sees me the way his “friend” does/did.
I told Otto about a guy I met the other day who invited me to be on his radio show within a few minutes of meeting me, but weirdly seemed to lose interest once I told him how I traveled so much. Otto told me the guy was probably hitting on me and it completely threw me for a loop.
The idea of my being hit on hasn’t even entered my realm of possibility lately.
I forgot that could actually even happen.
For a while it was my every day reality. But every time I go into coffee shops NOW, I find myself silently willing people to not look at me.
I know I “shouldn’t‘” feel this way.
And I know that looks “shouldn’t” matter so much.
But the fact of the matter is, we’re 99% chimp. And female chimps need to know that they are desirable. It’s a mating thing. If they can’t mate, they’re totally screwed.
So even if “intellect” tells me not to care… I don’t know how I can help it.
Yes… I’ve been exercising. And I’m signing up with a personal trainer this week.
The old me would just go on a juice fast and be done with this. But I’ve committed to eating the way my body wants.
See… the crappy part of all this is I’ve FELT so much better since I started eating meat.
My mind is much more alert, on focus, and I’ve been really productive.
My moods have been much more consistent.
But this f*cking weight has been the bane of my existence.
I’m going to stay with this meat-eating plan, because I FEEL (mostly) better and I’m holding on to hope that the weight will eventually come off.
The nutritionist said she gained weight initially too, and so did some of her clients, but it came off eventually.
She also told me to “love” the extra weight.
I am trying as hard as I can, but it’s not easy.
Otto gave me his sweatpants to wear the other day.
When I put them on, they felt “off”.
Tighter.
Normally I love wearing his sweatpants.
But this time I got so upset that I just lay in a ball, bawling, for a good 20 minutes.
I can’t wait for this phase of my life to end.
Rachel,
You may have had a most important, key to successful weight loss…a “tipping point!” A highly emotional event that has the potential to turn you back into Beautiful Rachael!
Kevin
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Rachel,
I love it when beautiful women cuss!
What ever doesn’t kill you always makes you stronger, just let karma take care of this.
Keep up the great work! and the cussing!
Darwin
Rachel,
You are beautiful inside and out. You know it, and you Otto knows it. Don’t let one man’s ignorant comment make you loose sight of that. He is just jealous of your success!
Susan
Hey you -
Two words.
FUCK HIM.
Look I’ve been skinny and I’ve been fat. I remember being 225 pounds – 40 inch waist and 29 long pants.
XL+ shirts, unshaven, depressed.
Oh look photo time – life my head high, high enough you can’t see my double chin.
Self confidence at an all time low, etc.
Slowly I got to work. Working out, eating less shit, more “good” food
Down to 185 now and going up and down depending on the diet, etc.
I love the Atkins diet (down almost 10 pounds in two weeks) but I know if I stop eating meat, eggs, and cheese it will be back.
Look people pass judgement. You’re working on it, you’re going to get a trainer and the weight should come off.
It sucks, it takes time but at the end of the day you need to be happy with you.
You’ve done it before, you can do it again and you will.
Best of luck skinny!
Tim
PS: I promise to hit on you all the time when I see you in Vegas
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Rachel,
Would you believe I am not particularly thin either? I am not nearly as athletic as i used to be and I do not like it. So I can understand where you are coming from. What is really upsetting is that I travel as well and I usually understand the language of the country that I visit. I have been called “ugly” in many languages and I actually understand them. I try not to respond back as they think I am an ignorant American. I just let them think this way. It is their problem and not mine.
You are a beautiful woman Rachel and extremely smart and successful. Believe me you will conquer these demons. This is because I have seen what you have done so far and this just seems like a hurdle you can definitely overcome.
You know how to set goals so you can overcome this.
As well I would like to say that you are inspiration to me if that is worth anything to you. So please do not let the haters get you down. I would highly suggest you check out charliejames1975 on youtube. Zuzana’s workouts have helped so many people so it is worth a try, she is very supportive and helpful as a trainer.
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Rachel,
I call bloody foul, really.
FOUL.
What man in his right mind would call you NOT good looking?
Really?
Dumb ass. Sorry to Otto since I think he is a cool dude, however I would like to step in here and share my thoughts. First, your a dam good looking woman Rachel, weight is a pain in the butt, we all know that and I am sorry to hear about how eating meat is putting on a few pounds on, however you mention:
- Feeling better.
- Thinking more clearly
- Your more productive
Your first statment plain mentions that you feel much better and that is what is important. All those others things are wonderful as well, I mean lets be honst. While thousands of sales pages online promise easy riches requiring nearly no work.
Smart people … AKA you, me and other savvy marketers reading this blog understand that making big money online actually does require some effort and having more energy and feeling good certainly does a go a long way.
Oh, did I mention YOUR FEELING BETTER
So chin up, do what you can to feel good about yourself and do forget about dumb ass buddy. Man I really do not like these types of people.
Looking forward to seeing you this coming week.
Got to run, dinner >> >> steak mac and cheese.
Love
Brian J. AKA .. swears a lot
Rachel,
Give me a break and get over it. You’re absolutely Gorgeous.
Hey Rachel,
Don’t sweat the small stuff, and what this fella said is truly an insignificant verbage that is not worth stressing yourself out over. Seriously it isn’t..
Simply “let it go” and take CONTROL of YOUR situation..
You’re taking the right course of action to get a personal trainer. I think focusing solely on diet is the BIGGEST MYTH on this planet for losing weight. Total BS IMHO!!
Regular exercise is where its at, and burning off more energy than your daily intake will put you on track to being fabulously fit and healthy human being. Diet alone wont cut it – exercising coupled with a suitable nutritional plan to match your personal needs is a great plan.
Rachel – if you had kids you’d be crowned “One Hot MILF”, but since you don’t just accept that you are a natural hottie and Otto is a very lucky man to have someone so beautiful in his life.
…don’t forget that..!!
Kieran
Meat gets bad rap.
Check your carb intake. Below 100 grams/day = lose weight (aim for 75)
100-150 g /day = stay the same
>150g = = Gain.
Adjust for your lifestyle.
I only have two references for this…
Primal Blueprint
and the most important… I’m down 13 Lbs in a month.
Chuck
P.S. You and Otto are both awesome. Only pay attention to your own vision for yourself.
Whilst I feel for you – I don’t think that there is a woman out there that hasn’t felt the same way at one time or another. I am heading towards 50 and my body is making changes that I don’t like but have to accept as that is nature. I think its about accepting who you are and knowing that change is always going to happen and embracing them.
If you feel great then don’t let some insignificant person bother you. Your husband married you because of who YOU were – not because you were beautiful or his friends liked or didn’t like you. You are a successful, smart woman in your own right and you should remember that. A few kilos will not change the world !
There will always been knockers – cause without them we wouldn’t have the drive or determination to succeed. IMHO
Cheers Donna
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If I were half the person or business person you are, I would be very pleased with myself. Thanks for letting us know you’re not 100% perfect, up until now I thought you were.
You are on a Journey of your own and we are all connected together in this world. We will be attacked by others who are also having personal issues and lash out rather than seeing the opportunity to help someone out, discover who they are and love them for being them.
Sometimes they lash out because they see themselves in the person they attack. Other times it can just be they are not happy and need the attention.
Rachel, please remember that You are Totally Awesome and you just can’t help it, because that is the way you area Created! In HIS Image!
May today bring you many Blessings Physically/Financially/Emotionally and of course, Spiritually!
May you see the opportunity to Be the spark for a change in the others that you continue to bless and teach!
May you continue to bring hope and freedom to those that you serve.
Chris
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Rachel,
I loved your honesty with this post!
I had to comment for several reasons. First, I would tell Otto that you really don’t NEED to know if anyone says anything about you less then wonderful. You weren’t there, you do not know the context, etc. All it can do is mess with your head. In recovery circles we are told…”It is none of your business what anyone else thinks of you, but your very life depends on what you think of others.” You don’t need the resentment and negativity. I know you understand that, I’ve followed your blog for a while.
Second, intimate relationships bring up fears and insecurities. Use this as a way to get to know the REAL you. To love and accept the Rachel who is not a body, but is an eternal being. You are beautiful! Start a love affair with yourself.! It is sexy and the only real thing that you can bring to your relationship. Everything else is a waste of time and separates you from the one you love.
Third, as a fellow woman who has battled insecurities, addiction and eating disorders, I understand the emotional torture and pain we can cause OURSELVES with this thinking. I have gained peace and strength by building a support network of women around me who love me as I am. Two women whose teaching about this subject I admire are: Lisa Natoli (gorgeousforgod.com) and Marriane Williamson. Both specifically speak on body image, love, food, relationships, etc.
I see you as being exactly where you are supposed to be. You will learn a great deal right now then you will turn around and help hundreds of women through your experience.
Love you!
Ericka
Rachel,
Maybe you’ve already found your solution, but I wanted to chime in and second Chuck’s comment on the Primal Blueprint (author Mark Sisson). He has a blog at MarksDailyApple.com. Carbs are a likely culprit.
I haven’t followed your blog and I’m not sure what caused you to start eating meat again, but I have struggled with this for many years. I wanted to not eat meat. I tried many forms of not eating meat. : )
I feel better eating meat. DANG IT!!!!!!!!!!
Since going “Primal” my energy levels are rock solid throughout the day, for the first time ever. No fuzziness, no naps.. solid. I love that! I had already shed 70 pounds of fat prior to this, so I haven’t really any weight to lose.. however I’ve gotten quite ‘ripped’ as a result of this change.
You being who you are, will undoubtedly solve this! This is something you will solve rather quickly and fairly easily. I know it won’t seem quick enough, though. Kudos to you for having your priorities in order. How you FEEL is more important than those few extra pounds! Using that as your baseline, you will be able to make the adjustments you need to reach your target weight and feel FANTASTIC too. This is very cliche, however you have taken a step backwards in order to make a GIANT LEAP forwards! Focus on the fact that this decision WILL take you forwards.. better than ever! : )
Excelsior,
- Steve
This just showed up in my google reader this morning..not sure what that delay was all about…
I want to third the recommendation for the Primal Blueprint. I have been eating Paleo (essentially the same thing) for the last 3 months and I’m now lighter than I’ve been in at least 7 years (which is how long I’ve been tracking my weight). No counting calories, no portion control, just eating as much as I feel like of “whole” foods (i.e. foods that have not been processed and that are healthy for me). It’s amazing. Good luck…you’re awesome!
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[...] you haven’t read, I’ve gained a lot of weight since eating meat. And I am FINALLY OK with it… so much so that I’m a little embarrassed [...]
Hi Rachel, I somehow stubbled upon your blog and I can’t remember now how I got here, but I noticed you were mentioning weight gain because of eating meat. I would be happy to help you, no strings, I just feel there are some simple things you can do to take care of this problem. I have seen this before and believe it is a food combining issue. I worked with many vegans and they are doing well now. The Living Well Plan is the eating plan I wrote in 1998, and I started one of the first diet support networks on the web when there wasn’t much online for women. I moved into other areas but I am going to re-launch (if there is such a thing) HealthnBeauty.com again; I have upgraded The Living Well Plan with new audios for relaxation/meditation and more. Please stop by and read the testimonials. The Living Well Plan is free for the next 90 days, so please join us. All the best to you.
Rachel {Raw-kul} recently posted..Wheat Belly AKA Bloated Belly