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Some of my friends strategize on what type of blog they want to have. Should it be business? Should it be personal? etc.
I just kind of type whatever’s on my mind and hope for the best. :)
With that said, I have a weird question. I know at least a few people read this blog (it says so on MyBlogLog :))… so please give me your opinions, guys! I’ve actually asked a lot of people about this specific one, and their responses have been fascinating to me.
(If I don’t get some opinions, I’m just going to start typing random people’s names so they come here via Google Alerts. I’d prefer you just save me the time. :))
And a disclaimer: I’m NOT seeking dating advice… I’ve already made my mind up on the situation. I’m just curious about human psychology, to see what people put up with, how people view honesty, and if I’m just completely deluded (which is fine too. :))
I’ll throw my opinion in here because even though I did it with friends, they all disagreed anyway.
Okay. So I meet a dude a few weeks ago. He’s seemingly really good at life. Successful, intelligent, cute, charming, etc.
(VERY charming actually. At one point he wrote down my favorite book, saying that I seem really intelligent and if I say it’s a good book, he wants to read it. Single guys, note that one. It’s a winner.)
So we talk via text message for a week. That week passes, and he says he’s going to text me next week about getting together for drinks.
I hear from him one time that week, and the text said “Happy Valentine’s Day”. Nothing about drinks.
Okay. So in my mind, I’m thinking the dude’s done with. If you say you’re going to do something… do it. And if you can’t even be honest NOW in the “initial impression” stage, what would happen 3 months from now? It didn’t even occur to me as an option to accept this, to be honest.
The story would have ended here, but somehow this comes up in a conversation with two of my friends. They both say I’m being too harsh. My one friend says she does the same thing as the guy did (says she’ll call and then doesn’t), and the other says there’s no way that would be a dealbreaker to him.
Fascinated, I called some other people. A third friend (who’s also a pickup artist and freaking TEACHES PEOPLE how to pick girls up!!!) said that this is part of the “L.A. Lifestyle”, and I’m going to have to get used to it. He said people make plans here, but you can’t consider them permanent until you get a confirmation call that day.
I asked people outside of L.A. too though, and they also said that I was being too stringent.
In all, I’ve probably talked to about 15 or so people about this (I’m really that interested). I’d say 88% say I’m being too harsh, 10% halfheartedly agree, and one person completely knew what I meant (he also went to Warrior Camp, I wonder if there’s a correlation. :))
Tell me what YOU think please!
Very well done. I\’m impresses with your insights.
Well, I wouldn’t count him out after just one goof-up. But, if this is a continuing pattern over the next 30-60 days, then yea…. I’d be done with him.
Also…. this was quite humorous:
“(VERY charming actually. At one point he wrote down my favorite book, saying that I seem really intelligent and if I say it’s a good book, he wants to read it. Single guys, note that one. It’s a winner.)”
:OP
Holy crap I use a lot of smilies!
Wow, thanks for the thought out opinions guys. :)
Gwyneth, that’s a really enlightened way of looking at things. I know you’re right. :)
I don’t think he’s “bad” (I overuse the whole “good at life” thing)… I guess I just choose to have people who are “more awake” in my life, and it was fascinating to me to see how many people were okay with not having that.
As far as my giving him feedback – haha, I have no problem telling him how and why it wouldn’t work for me (in a nice way). I feel it almost my duty to do so, actually. He can do with it what he will as you said, but I like being completely honest.
The end result is that I ran into one of his friends and he asked me about it, so I let him know. He told me that this was what I should expect in L.A., and that when he invites girls out to first dates, 7/10 girls don’t even show up and that flakes are the “norm”.
Another good friend said when he moved out here, he had that same 7/10 experience.
Oh well, I’m sure I’m attracting who I’m supposed to. :)
As for joining the network – I’d love to, just have to figure out how. ;) I’m finishing up some things before I head out to the airport in 40 minutes, so will play with that as soon as possible. :)
Thanks again for the comment!
Marc, thank you too. :)
First, like I told Gwyneth, I overuse the whole “good at life”/”bad at life” thing, to the point where it doesn’t really have any relevance any more. It’s kind of a joke with me and friends now, and there’s literally almost 0 feeling attached to it now. I apologize if I offended you (and I do think the majority of people ARE “good at life”). :)
I don’t know why you’d think cute was the most important quality to me, it was just one I mentioned… not even the first one. :) And as far as a relationship, I want ANY kind of relationship in my life– friendship, romantic, or otherwise – to be with someone I trust.
Also, last thing to mention before getting to the part that made me more excited about Europe :) – I don’t really care that the guy never got back to me. It’s not hard to meet guys in L.A… I wouldn’t have even given it a second thought had my friends not told me I was crazy for dismissing him.
As far as taking people on a case by case basis… for the most part I agree, but honesty’s a nonnegotiable in my book. As is everyone, I’m quite busy, so I want the extra time that I have to be spent with people that are what I (maybe not everyone) consider high quality. Maybe I’m too harsh, maybe I have no right judging people that way…but it’s how I choose to be for right now. :)
EUROPE TIME!
Dude. I fully expect to be falling in love every 5 minutes there. One of the guys at a cafe I go to has this wonderful Australian accent (I know, not Europe, but it’s the point that it’s an accent :)) and I positively swoon over him. ;)
More importantly though, I’m SO excited to be seeing all the different cultures. I LOVE psychology and watching the way people work and it’s going to be awesome to be able to see people throughout the world. The sights are going to be awesome too, and all the people I meet at hostels… SOOOO excited! :)
And I’m jealous about Spain (until a month from now :)) – that’s the #1 country I want to visit, second being Australia. Thanks for getting me even more pumped. :)
Ack, I’ve gotta head to the airport! Thanks again guys. :)
Do you mind if I slap you out of it for a minute? I have no idea what being good at life means! Frankly, I find it offensive, since the implication is that most of us are not so good at life. I’ve read your blog a few times and congrats on continued success and I think you are doing great. That said. My interpretation of this post is that you think this guy is cute above all the other qualities you mentioned and want a relationship with him (I could be wrong).
There are a million reasons why he doesn’t get back to you. He could be shy, intimidated, busy, distracted or cringe… not that interested. As a guy I’ve experienced all of these and more. So if you want to know, then you have to get in the driver’s seat and risk rejection and that means making the moves. If you don’t have the stomach for that right now, then you need to write this guy off. The worst thing in the world you can do is keep running hypotheticals through your mind. You’ll end up so far from reality it’s not funny.
Now as I understand it, you’ll be going to Euroland soon. Depending on where you go over there, you will never want to come back to the States again. In fact you’ll realize what you’ve been missing all these years and see LA for the toilet it really is. You’ll meet so many cool people over there and get laid so much… I mean go out so much that your main concern in life will become, “how can I stay here longer?” Yes, I know it’s not for everyone, but I think it could be for you.
In 2000 I quit my job with Cisco Systems because I could barely face another day of life working for corporate America. This was during the boom so money was good, but that company owned my ass. When I left, lots of my single coworkers would say things like, I wish I could just quit my job and go to Europe. I would say to all of them, “you can do it as easily as I can”. And they could have, but they were really more interested in buying new BMWs. Needless to say, we all make choices. Some people value a nice car more than quality of life. I went to Spain to study Spanish for 8 weeks and ended up staying for 2 years. I’ve lived in several other countries since then and traveled to a whole bunch more. Had a bunch of great relationships with more Swedish hotties than any American should be allowed. And to think how much time time I wasted with high-maintainance, low mileage chicks from work and my local hangouts during those working years.
Anyway, guess I drifted off-topic here. The point is, don’t get hung up on that dud, I mean dude. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You strike me as someone who is interested in accumulating a wide variety of life experiences. With that, your vision will become more clear and you will find yourself wrestling with these situations less and less.
As for hard and fast rules on callbacks, plans, etc. I don’t think there are any, whether you’re in LA or Decatur. I take people on a case by case basis. Give people some leeway, but what goes around comes around. I have some friends who are total flakes and they get what they give, that said these are the relationships of low expectations and happily I treat them accordingly.
Hope something in there might help. Sorry for the long ramble.
Hi Rachel,
Found you from your post on PlugIM.
My opinion? I think it’s about being more awake- or not. Warrior Camp is about waking up and being a more responsible human.
We are all different places on the ‘waking up continuum’, if you will. In that regard, the behavior isn’t so much about Who the person is, or even lifestyle patterns, but Where they are on that continuum.
A more ‘awake’ behavior would be to have one’s words be congruent with one’s actions, or what you say is what happens. Otherwise, be responsible and say why it didn’t, or won’t, happen.
Savvy?
I think how you are responding to this guy’s words not being congruent with his actions says a lot about where YOU are- probably a lot more awake that he is in that area right now. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy- not at all- just a different place about that.
Often, the only way we can ‘wake up’ about something is to have someone tell us that our behavior doesn’t work for us. So your saying something to him, in my opinion, wouldn’t be harsh at all, but kind. It would give him an option to change- or not. Depends on what he wants.
I takes courage to put ourselves out on the line, all we can do is offer the invitation.
Gwyneth
P.S. I’d love to have you join my network at socialauthority.ning.com. I’d be honored to have you as a friend.
Jason, this is reason #4387 why I love you. I agree!! Move to L.A. when I get back from Europe and we’ll revolutionize the dating scene. :)
Bryan, it’s custom built. :)
If that’s the L.A. Lifestyle then I’m never moving there because I think it sucks! I think if someone is genuinely interested it should be where they can’t wait to call you, and that they call when they say they are going to call, and that if yall agreed on drinks, by golly you should go out for drinks sooner rather than later.
Count me in with the 10%. I don’t like getting my time wasted personally, and I think the guy would be a waste of time. You’re right, if he does this now, you got into a relationship with him for a while, then he just sort of faded off?
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