I have an absolutely AMAZING friend named Ariana Hall.
A while ago I was talking to her while driving home from going to see a guy. I told her the guy was great, but I didn’t feel ready for a relationship.
She asked me something to the degree of, “Well… do you have your 4 needs taken care of?”
Then she explained how females have four needs that we need at varying levels based on where we are in life at the moment.
Her assertion is that until those 4 categories are met, you can’t really get into a healthy relationship and that you’re probably just looking for someone to fill a void.
The guy you end up with might not be the best choice for you, but you’ll do what you need to do in order to get your needs taken care of.
Here are the categories:
Companionship – Feeling like you have company around (can be male or female), general fellowship.
Friendship – Feeling you have solid friends you communicate with. These can be male or female and you can talk to them via phone, Skype, whatever.
Male attention – Feeling like you’re getting positive attention/appreciation from men.
Support – Having people to support you in times of need.
After Ariana went over each one, she told me to tell her how fulfilled I was with each on a 1-10 scale.
So for example, for companionship, I told her I needed a “5” at that particular point in my life.
I needed a 6 on friendship, 8 on male attention, and 10 on support.
Then she asked me where I felt I was on 1-10 for each of the four needs.
We quickly realized my biggest deficit was in “support”. I told her I felt like I was at a “2” even though I wanted a “10”.
(That wasn’t because I didn’t have fantastic friends who would support me, I just didn’t want to bring them down. For a while it seemed like something else was happening every day… though that same reason is why I needed the support so bad.)
(And in retrospect, I now see I was asking the guy I mentioned at the beginning for support constantly.)
Ariana suggested I set up systems to get my 10 on support. She offered that maybe I could have a different friend to talk to every day to as I got through a particularly rough period.
At first I resisted.
“I don’t want to bring anyone down!”
“Well, make it a fair energetic exchange. Offer something that’s easy and fun for you, but helpful for them, in exchange for their support. The right win/win situations will come along and both of you will be thrilled.”
After a little more hesitation I decided to trust in the universe and in the process and give it a try. I sent an email to a group of 5 friends. I offered to trade an hour a week to help with their writing (fun and easy for me) in exchange for an hour of support.
I didn’t have any expectations about anyone saying yes – I just figured I’d throw the idea out there and see if anyone bit.
Within 7 minutes, two of my five friends said they wanted to do it.
Within 2 hours, every single person said yes.
I was blown away – I went from a “2” on support to a “10” with just one email.
And they were all EXTREMELY happy to do it.
If you feel like you’re in a big deficit with one of the 4 needs, I highly recommend you set up a system to get them fulfilled. I know a feel a LOT better by having these win/wins set up.
For the other needs, here are some things you could do to raise your number:
Companionship – You could join groups of people who have similar interests (from PTA to book clubs), take exercise classes, or go to spiritual and/or religious events.
Male attention – You could ask your male friends what they like about you, go on dating sites (even just to be appreciated), or go out and wear a very beautiful, feminine outfit.
Friendship – Make it a point to initiate get togethers with your friends, ask acquaintances/people from work to hang out, look for meetup groups specifically devoted to people looking to meet new friends.
This exercise has been EXTREMELY helpful to me. If you do it, I trust it will be for you as well. :)