Why I don’t think I’ll be getting married…

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Disclaimer up front: Because I now have almost 100 providers depending on me for work with Burn Your To Do List, it crossed my mind for a few seconds that maybe I shouldn’t post such opinionated stuff on my blog.

Like I said, the thought only lasted a few seconds. I’m not going to silence myself on things I feel strongly about – that’s just foolish. If, at the end of this post, you are a client or potential client and strongly oppose my thoughts, then feel free to either cancel service or not sign up. To put it bluntly: don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

I definitely want to make sure my providers have work, and I actively work on that, but I also don’t want them to deal with bigots.

They tend to make for crap clients anyway.

(Definition of bigot: a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.)

With that out of the way…

A big part of me is really excited to get married and have children. I really think I’d be a great mother, and it’s so easy to get lost in ideas on how I want to raise my children. I can’t wait to take them around the world so that they can actually SEE and EXPERIENCE in person what so many politically agenda’d textbooks teach them. I’m excited to help my future children stay heart-centered, empathetic, and understanding.

(Side note: I LOVE Mark Twain’s quote: “Travel is fatal to prejudice.”)

Up until recently it was easy to get lost in thoughts about marriage too. Jaime and I long fantasized about having a double-wedding, which would be so fun. I’ve also thought about doing fun things at my wedding – having cotton candy machines, maybe having a little carnival… just non-stuffy, fun stuff.

(I do realize this entire blog post is premature as I don’t even have a boyfriend right now ;) – but based on a bunch of factors, I’m very confident I could get married pretty soon if I really wanted to. That’s not to sound arrogant – like I said, I base that on conversations, experiences, and other factors.)

So like I said, I had been excited about marriage… until recently. I’m not so sure I want to get married any more. I’m happy to accept a proposal, commit to someone, etc… but I don’t really think, in good conscience, that I can get married.

I recently saw an interview with Sarah Silverman on same-sex marriages that really challenged my thinking. In the interview, she said that a straight couple getting married in our current state of affairs is like being part of an exclusive country club where blacks and Jews aren’t allowed. I’ve got to say, I totally agree with her.

I think the fact that same sex marriages are STILL outlawed is truly vile. It’s just… archaic. How, in this day and age, can so many people (in fact the MAJORITY of people, if voting statistics are not politically manipulated) perpetuate themselves to be better than others? How can we, as a country, say that some people deserve to be married and others don’t? That one type of person is more “right” at existence than another? It’s absolutely disgusting.

Outlawing same sex marriage is judging other people and saying “We’re better than you.” It doesn’t matter what the rationale is – religious beliefs, upbringing, bad experiences, whatever… at the end of the day, being homophobic or not tolerant of other people is not having an empathetic and open-hearted view of your fellow human being.

There are many people that I really love in this world that are gay. I think I would feel crappy and guilty about perpetuating such shit rules if I were to get married. I can only imagine the hurt/sadness/shame/guilt that so many gay people probably feel when people get married. I bet for many, it stings every time they hear about marriage – even if it’s unconscious.

Thinking about this makes me think about a whole bunch of different things, too:

First off, why do I want to get married, anyway? Is it based on a scarcity mindset? Do I feel like I need someone to commit to me in order to feel truly loved? And if that’s the case, why would that be?

If I say I believe the world is abundant enough that I could attract several stellar people to marry if I wanted to, then it shouldn’t matter if one guy I love wants to commit to me or not. I could find someone else.

Then I think, is it because of tradition? Look how far tradition has gotten us – filling our gullets with crap food, Americans watching an average of 28 hours of TV per week, blindly following what the media says, etc…

Of course there are fantastic traditions too – ones I really adore, like the whole “Christmas spirit” where everyone in the world seems so happy… so it’s not to say all traditions are negative… but my point is, I want to evaluate things on an individual basis and not just welcome anything that comes into my life because it’s just what people “do”.

When I think about gay marriage, I also think about something my friend made a point about once.

(Note to friend: I’m pretty sure you didn’t want your name attached to this – if I’m wrong or you’ve changed your mind, I’m happy to give you credit.)

He mentioned that he doesn’t like to support those marathons for cancer because from a universal standpoint, focusing on cancer can only bring about more of it. (I personally think it’s a moot point since it has been proven time and time again that a healthful diet can fix a slew of health problems, including cancer).

I digress though. By focusing on the idiocy of outlawing gay marriage – even for a short while – I wonder what, if any, universal implications there are.

I really dislike what has become identified with the phrase “Law of Attraction”, but I absolutely believe that each individual, as well as everyone in a collective consciousness, shape our destinies. I know we bring into our lives what we focus on.

On the same note though, blindly accepting this injustice seems stupid too. If we followed that mindset, there would still be slavery.

I’m not sure on that point, but welcome any thoughts/comments.

The one thing I’m positive of is that at the end of the day, people just want to be loved. To tell some people they’re not as worthy of that is appalling, idiotic, stupid, intolerant, unfair, and ridiculous.

I need to get back into work, so I’ll end here… maybe edit and add more later… but those are my thoughts for the time being. :)

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0 thoughts on “Why I don’t think I’ll be getting married…”

  1. “but THAT? Really?”

    Yes really – people lose their parents, lovers, brothers, sisters to Cancer all across the world.

    And yes I do think it is cruel, and utterly insensitive for millions of people who have lost loved ones. The glib suggestion that eating better can stop you getting cancer is utter, utter rubbish.

    And of course it hasn’t been proven – I’d like to see your proof – so that billions currently being spent could be saved across the world in research, wish all our scientists were as clever as you.

    Perhaps I should also go and see the parents of my schoolfriend who died when he was 15 of leukemia and check what his diet was, perhaps too many MacDs!

    I have passion in life thanks, some people don’t get that chance.

    Neil

    Reply
    • I agree that a lot of people lose loved ones to cancer, and it’s maddeningly unfortunate.

      I am currently super-busy and can’t find a lot of sites for you, but a search of “heal cancer raw food” 446,000 results.

      I have personally talked to several people who have overcome cancer, arthritis, and other dis-eases by replenishing their body with nutrients.

      I don’t see cancer being fixed any time with medicine – I won’t get too into detail on it here, but let’s just say that the pharmaceutical industry is making way too much for that to happen.

      I don’t want to sound insensitive or glib to it… but like I said, I know a lot of people, including doctors… and I would just say that accepting things at face value isn’t always the best idea.

      I don’t know what the case was with your schoolfriend, but I’m sorry for your loss… and I respect your passion.

      Reply
  2. (I personally think it’s a moot point since it has been proven time and time again that a healthful diet can fix a slew of health problems, including cancer).

    I think this is the most cruel, stupid, idiotic, and truly crass comment I have read on the internet this year. I am truly shocked. I won’t rant on, because if you can’t see it is so utterly profoundly wrong and insensitive, then it’s pointless.

    I indeed have young children and I think I have learnt something more to tell them today.

    (rest of rant deleted.)

    Neil

    Reply
    • You think the part that a healthful diet has been proven to heal cancer is cruel?

      I can see other parts where you might be offended… but THAT? Really?

      Eh, to each his own. At least I ignited your passion today. *hugs*

      Reply
  3. I had a dissertation like answer typed up for this….but I decided to make it short.

    The short answer is Yes..I would still get married. I think marriage is a very complicated thing as far as it’s roots in the psyche of people. There are so many different reasons that people do it. It’s a very subjective thing based mostly in emotion.

    I realize that my reference to Martin Luther King may have inferred that I would be pro boycott–ala the Montgomery Bus boycott-but that was something completely different–and not as many emotions were tied to it on both ends as with the marriage issue IMO.

    I don’t think that a few people here and there saying they aren’t getting married would make a ding in the fact that plenty of people are still going to get married. If ever that movement had a chance it would only be if A VERY LARGE movement of couples on the cusp of marriage would come together and say “OK, we’re not getting married until gay people are allowed to as well.” —and that’s only if that’s the direction that is taken.

    — There are many opportunities (grassroots marketing campaigns maybe?) that the gays can take advantage of to help promote the legalization of gay marriage other than having couples abstain from marriage until gay marriage is legalized.

    Also, I highly doubt that a large # of people who have dreamt about marriage their whole lives would want to give up that dream because gay people are not allowed to. Wouldn’t that almost be like someone in America saying that they will stop working on financial freedom because someone in Africa does not have the same opportunity as they do? Should that person put the brakes on that dream because the same opportunity is not available to another human being? Should they be called on to do that?

    So in short, no. IMO I don’t think it is necessary to put off your dream of marriage because gay people are not allowed to. If one was very passionate about legalizing gay marriage and at the same time passionate about getting married to someone– they could still be married and still campaign to get gay marriages legalized.

    I mean, there are just so many directions with this thing. This answer is based on the surface of marriage and how we understand it today. If I start delving into the history of marriage, and each and every of the 100’s possibly 1000’s of emotional reasons people get married, and the societal structures that married people and their children get to enjoy (and if it’s fair that they even get to enjoy those benefits) the answer could be twisted and turned into so many different directions–maybe even completely opposite from what I have written above… but in the name of keeping it simple— I say yes, if you do want to get married–you should—and if you want to promote legalization of gay marriage–you should do it too.

    Ultimately—-Whatever gives you happiness:)

    But again, that’s just my opinion. Like everything in the Universe…it’s subject to change;)

    Reply
    • You have some great points, Taj.

      A few things –

      1. I don’t think a few people would make a big difference either, but it has to start somewhere, no?

      2. As far as this –

      Also, I highly doubt that a large # of people who have dreamt about marriage their whole lives would want to give up that dream because gay people are not allowed to. Wouldn’t that almost be like someone in America saying that they will stop working on financial freedom because someone in Africa does not have the same opportunity as they do? Should that person put the brakes on that dream because the same opportunity is not available to another human being? Should they be called on to do that? –

      I wouldn’t say that’s the same thing… I don’t think marriage is that important. Financial freedom, on the other hand, might be. Of course this is very subjective though. :)

      At the end of the day thouigh, my opinion is subject to change too… that’s just where I was in the moment. When it’s time to get married, who knows where I’ll be. ;)

      Thanks for making me think as always :)

      Reply
  4. You made it tempting Rachel… you know I can’t resist conversations like this;)

    On the focusing on gay marriage/cancer issue – yea, if it was me, I would focus on the fact that gays should be able to get married and along with that – have all of the same freedoms everyone else enjoys.

    Hell, I may start out with the fact that it’s dumb that they can’t get married. We have to realize we don’t like something in order to change it – but after I’ve established that, I would focus on the fact that they SHOULD be able to have the same freedoms as everyone else. I would begin to paint the picture of what I would want to see in my mind and then broadcast it out for others to receive — Think the Martin Luther King “I have a dream” speech. He does talk about racists, he does talk about injustice — but the focus of the conversation is THE DREAM, the main thing we leave with is the DREAM– the solution– what it would be like once the problem is solved– “Little white boys and little white girls can hold hands with little black boys and little black girls…. Free at last, free at last, thank God, free at last.”

    So if it was me – I would talk and focus more on what I would want to see happen– the solution.

    But to each their own — just because that’s the direction I would take doesn’t mean it is what you should take:)

    Reply
    • Taj :)

      Interesting (and awesome) point – but I’m not surprised ;)

      So if you’re focusing on the solution… even with that said… how would you feel about the marriage deal? Would you or would you not still get married?

      Thanks for your thoughts, you never fail to make me see something in a different light!

      Reply
  5. Rachel,
    You and I have talked about this before, and you know I could write a novel here to clarify all the things you’ve touched on. I’ll just say this.. it’s not that we “want” to be loved -every living thing only functions on the basis of love.

    So, don’t worry about the whole marriage thing for yourself.

    Remember what I taught and showed you after we got back from Cancun.

    Your day will come when it’s actually your time and at that time you will know, definitively, what’s right for you, without question.
    It’s just going to be a while. Without question, by then you will be in a very different space than you are today.

    …and I’ll just leave it at that.

    You’re beautiful! :-D

    – Mike L.

    Reply
    • Hey Mike,

      It’s good to hear from you!

      I’ve gotta say I disagree on one major point: my time is coming SOON!!! ;)

      Other than that, I agree I’ll be in a different place and probably WILL just “know”.

      I’m pretty awesome at changing my mind a million times, according to how I feel on the day.

      I like it that way. ;)

      Have an awesome day!

      With love,
      Rachel

      Reply
  6. Posting in the comments but I may go ahead and post as a separate entry too.

    My incredible online business manager just sent me this email and I found it totally BRILLIANT:

    The whole gay marriage thing totally cracks me up. Once I got over being mad about it, I realized that the potential for humor was huge.

    This is one of my favorite fakeout vids

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdSKyDLGPas

    And this one was also funny if you ever saw the original ad

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6eddb255b2/a-gaythering-storm

    But by far the most riotous is the reasons people give for their opposition to gay marriage.

    I have spent ages across different forums and speaking with others face to face about this topic and at first it was sooo frustrating…. but really, I crack up now at most of it. These are my top seven:

    1 – It destroys the sanctity of marriage

    Somehow I believe that Vegas got there first with this one when you could marry someone you just met for the heck of it, both be totally drunk, and have the ceremony performed by an Elvis impersonator…

    2 – Gay Couples will Raise Gay Children

    Nope. Actually there is no increased likelihood of becoming gay if you have gay parents.

    3 – Marriage is intended for procreation, therefore gays should not get married

    Using this logic the other people that could not get married include:
    – those that are barren
    – anyone older that child bearing age
    – condom users
    – any form of contraceptive users
    – anyone that does not plan on having kids

    4 – Gay people are not committed to their relationships and sleep around

    Bill Clinton, JFK, Eisenhower, Roosevelt, Harding, Cleveland, Jefferson….

    Yes… because straight people have set such a fine example of being monogamous….

    5 – It will undermine all marriages

    According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:
    The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
    The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
    The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

    Somehow I do not think that this one can be blamed on gay marriage – straight people can screw it up all by themselves, they don’t need any help from us

    6 – I am very religious and believe that it is against god (comment mostly made by Catholics)

    Yes, well the Catholic church is well known for always doing their part in ensuring that the only time you can use condoms is if a priest and an alter boy are involved :P The Catholic church is also known as one of the most corrupt and sexist religious institutions next to Islam and in the ‘good old days’ hoarded more wealth and power than any royal families combined.

    7 – It goes against the teachings in the bible

    This always seems to come from people that only go to church twice a year and have never actually read the bible. There also seems to be some belief that there is only one bible. Christianity alone has over 20 different version of the bible, also there are thousands of different religions and splinter groups, many of whom have at least 1 or more versions of their ‘bible’ or ‘holy’ documents. I love the comedian that said “the bible is pretty much a Stephen King novel anyway, all the murders and rising from the grave and turning people into salt and stuff…”

    How about looking at something real simple like the 10 commandments? Christianity, Judaism and Islam all have their moral foundation in these commandments.

    Exodus 20:2–17

    “You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.” – Okay you’ve knocked off at least 70% of the US right there…

    “the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.” – If they weren’t already knocked out by the 1st one, the only survivors of this one are likely to be Mormons…

    “You shall not commit adultery” – Bwahahahahaahaha I don’t think I need to bother saying how well people pay attention to that…

    “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” – Not ‘shall not take’, but ‘shall not covet’. We are all screwed. Also note the wonderful little thing which they have never altered which is the fact that slavery is acceptable….

    Exodus 34:11–27

    “You shall keep the festival of unleavened bread. For seven days you shall eat unleavened bread, as I commanded you, at the time appointed in the month of Abib; for in the month of Abib you came out from Egypt” – yep everyone pays lots of attention to this one :P

    Somehow I would have thought that the commandments upon which the entire religion was based would be considered more important than 2 phrases hidden in the middle of things that no one can decide the meaning of anyway

    I also love people like this: “Because the Bible is strong enough to survive translation, changes in word usage and syntax do not affect its meaning. There is only one Bible, with translations using different ways of saying exactly the same thing.”

    Firstly, early translations were written by hand and all copies made by hand, so one smudge or drop of ink would change the end of a sentence, and in languages such as Greek or Arabic a tiny drop of ink actually changes the word and the meaning of the entire phrase.

    The majorly funny thing is that as you translate between different languages you always find certain words that have no equivalent in the language you are translating to, therefore you are forced to change wording which often alters meaning.

    Still has same meaning? http://www.engrish.com certainly shows otherwise

    Some of the funniest things I have ever heard were spoken by people that were serious.

    Reply
  7. When you think about it, a “Marriage” is a legal contract and nothing more.
    It’s a document, registered with the government, and it means you usually pay more in taxes.
    The marriage document also describes how assets are divided, should the couple split apart.
    There’s not much more to it.

    People can be committed to each other and not married,
    or they can be married and not committed to each other.
    The two really don’t have much to do with each other… even though tradition says they should go together (which to be honest rarely happens).

    Reply
    • I agree, Jason. I was just emailing my amazing business manager and realized that what a big part of it comes down to is validation. I think that’s the only reason I wanted to get married – to get validated, feel worthy that I’m the “only one” for someone. I don’t know what else is so special about the whole marriage thing.

      Reply

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