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What’s Going On In My Life

Otto and I are getting divorced.

Yep – what the title says.

This experience has been crazy.

Not fun.

Emotional.

Embarrassing as all get-out.

I’ve hyperventilated a few times. One time for over an hour.

But… I know it needs to happen.

Otto and I were flawed from the beginning.

Neither of us ever got the feeling the other was “The One”.

We had so much love for each other though… so much respect, such a deep soul to soul connection… that we tried to override the fact that we never had the passion, the romance, the stuff that separates lovers from best friends.

It’s been 3 years and 3 days since we first got together.

And even on January 11, 2009, I remember sitting in a car with Otto, talking about if we should get together.

He was torn. He said he really liked me, we had so much in common, etc… but I just wasn’t his “type” and it was really messing up his mind.

Now before you judge that… please realize that most men have a “type”. It might not be a specific body type, or hair color, or whatever… but most men are hard-wired to be drawn to a particular type of woman.

And since men are visual creatures… this is important.

I don’t know why we got together even then. I think it’s because we both knew we had things to learn from each other.

Since we got together we’ve had 4 or 5 conversations about us breaking up. We even did break up for a few months.

But we ultimately kept getting back together.

I guess we had more to learn.

Through our relationship we’ve always had impeccable communication. We’re both always incredibly honest with each other and I know we’ll still be there for each other no matter what.

My family loves Otto and he loves them.

Otto and I will still do a few biz things together (which was another flaw I think… I don’t want to do business with a romantic partner again in the future. It can be a real passion-slasher.)

I just know we need to not be together in a marriage capacity. That it’s time to transition our relationship.

I have zero desire to settle.

And both of us would be settling.

Bigtime.

I know I have a lot to do while I’m here on earth.

A LOT.

And while I don’t know what all of that is yet… I do know that having a relationship that I don’t feel completely congruent with isn’t helping me find out my purpose any time sooner.

And having a husband who has never really been that attracted to me is terrible for my sense of self-confidence and esteem.

We both deserve better than that. We deserve passion. We deserve total head-over-heels in love.

I’m not crazy. I know that things aren’t always going to be rosy. I know that marriages need to be worked on. I get all that.

But this isn’t about a rough patch.

Our relationship has always had this undertone.

I think the universe agrees with us. The day after we decided to divorce, after Otto had been having a string of bad luck business-wise, he closed $10k worth of business and acquired a big piece of a company.

I might be coming off as nonchalant about all of this, but trust me, I’m not. I’ve been extremely eaten up about it. Like I said, I had my hyperventilation sessions. I cried in the middle of Starbucks (more than once). I had my screaming sessions. I cursed the universe (with real “OOMPH” on the f-word.)

I felt like a FOOL. We’ve only been married 7 months. And I know people have such judgment about divorce, how people don’t give it enough effort, etc etc…

But we really have tried. We’ve been together for 3 years.

Both of us had huge freak-out sessions the day before the wedding. I think we both knew it wasn’t right… but our love for each other on a best friend level made us do it anyway, because we didn’t want to hurt the other person.

At the end of the day though… my heart knew it was coming. Otto and I made 2012 goals on December 31st. Last night we were talking about how Otto never included me in his. And mine said, “I am in the relationship of my dreams” and “My man worships me and I worship him”.

I never specifically said Otto’s name.

When I mentioned this to Otto yesterday, he said “I do worship you, but not in the way you want.”

Case closed I guess.

Edit: We’re getting annulled. We just learned that since Otto doesn’t know if he’ll be ready to have kids in the 3 years he initially promised, we legally fall into an annulment. That was another huge reason for us to lean this way.

           

This made me SICK.

I was invited to go for a hike and then to the hot springs last Sunday.

I was very excited about the hike part, but not about the hot springs. I didn’t want to wear a bathing suit.

(If you haven’t read, I’ve gained a lot of weight since eating meat. And I am FINALLY OK with it… so much so that I’m a little embarrassed to recount this story, but feel called to, so I am.)

Here’s what happened:

I am very aware that everything I say comes true. The power of our subconscious is HUGE.

When I was younger, if I ever tried to get out of going to school by saying I was sick, I’d get sick. Even if I was totally healthy before.

When I was working as a cashier in high school I wanted to call out of work. I knew that I’d get sick if I told them that, so I decided to go a different route. I had my stepfather name a random car part. He told me “catalytic converter”, so I called and said my catalytic converter broke.

The next week… boom,  my catalytic converter went out.

I’d never even heard of that before.

So while I know lying isn’t that great anyway, this fast manifestation stuff ensures I generally don’t do it.

But I was so worked up about the stupid bathing suit that Saturday night I told Otto I was sick. I figured I’d get myself sick real quick so I could avoid having to go on the hike the next day.

(I am not proud of this.)

I felt very bad for lying, and so in the morning, the first thing I did was wake Otto up and (tearfully) confess. I hate lying and feel bad that I did it. It’s amazing how much emotion and power I had been giving to this weight gain.

After I confessed I realized I was being ridiculous and I went on the hike. I had an AWESOME time. In fact, I think it “clicked” me back. I’d been having a not-stellar few months, and after the hike I feel like I got “me” back. No more cranky, miserable Rachel, thank you. :)

But I guess I’d already set the process in motion for getting sick, because on Monday, boom… runny nose, sore throat, laid around for 3 days because I couldn’t work up any motivation to get out and go to the cafe.

(As a side note, it was kind of nice to be lazy. I drew, journaled, and drank lots of tea.)

Last night I was sicker than any other day.

I was sick of feeling yucky, so I decided I was finished.

Before I went to bed, I told my mind that I wanted to wake up feeling good, with enough motivation to go to the cafe, no more runny nose and no more sore throat.

I still have a slight runny nose (much less than yesterday), woke up with no sore throat, and am at a cafe right now. Motivation is running through my veins.

It’s fascinating how much power we have over our minds.

And to make myself feel better about the fact that I’ve been so whiny about my weight… I’d like to mention I’ve made tremendous strides to stop being so upset. :D

I bought a pair of jeans yesterday in a new size. I was resisting buying new clothes because I didn’t want to admit defeat, that this size is the new size I’d be…

But I decided yesterday that I’d feel better if I wore something that fit well and made me feel good.

So I got a new pair of jeans in a size that would’ve been unthinkable for me in the past.

And I am OK with it.

So I am moving forward, and definitely using the “power of my mind” to make magic happen.

Next up… changing the world. :)

           

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